Books! Free Online and at your fingertips!

Books…free! Online! At Your Fingertips!

Today while trying to find something to keep busy I stumbled across the Internet Archive ( www.archive.org )!  As I clicked around I found The Library of Congress’ collection.  I figured why not try to find some fun literary piece to read when I noticed Literature, art and song: Moore's melodies and American poems.  It was fun to “read online” http://www.archive.org/details/literatureartson00moor and page through. 

Nothing beats the dedication:

"All lovers of poetry and the fine arts, this work is respectfully inscribed by, The Publishers"

I really enjoyed the illustrated poems in the front!  Try reading a few! They seem familiar and the drawings really add to the poems!

Anti-Climax

Anti-climatic ending: an ending of a story or poem that contains no surprises.


There is a Creative Writing professor here at UWEC that believes solely in the anti-climatic ending. To him, there is no such thing as an "exciting ending" or a "surprise ending." (I am under the firm belief that if a student did dare include a surprise in his or her ending, this professor would die from shock.) This post is dedicated to that professor:

Anti-Climatic Poem
Insert a man:
Average colored brown hair,
Moderate height,
Medium weight.

Insert a woman--

--They’re both on a bus by the way.
Bother, I always forget to put in a setting.
It’s as though my characters are just floating there,
Waiting for somewhere to be.

Oh sorry.
Insert a woman:
Give her the same characteristics as that man up there.
Put her in a light gray blouse too if it makes you feel better.
And just for the hell of it,
They can sit across from each other on the bus.

That’s fine.
Trust me, it won’t matter.

The man is not aware of his surroundings:
Day-dreaming of a closet filled with nothing but colorful ties.
Do not ask me what all those ties are doing in his day-dream.
It’s not important.

The woman is much more conscious of her whereabouts.
Looking out the window she says in her mind what she sees:
Tree, tree, tree, tree, tree, brown fence.
Literary scholars will later deem her
the most boring character ever written about in a poem.

Nothing happens between the man and the woman.
They do not gaze at each other over their newspapers.
There will be no passionate kiss, not even an exchanged number.
I will not even describe them getting off the bus,
because nothing happens then either.

A Literary Analysis of the Webster’s Dictionary as a Piece of Fiction

      When I was first asked to analyze Webster’s Dictionary and its amount of literary merit, I was humbled. Surely the Dictionary, a book that almost every family owns, is above such criticism. However, when I began reading the first page, I was less than impressed. Firstly, I was confused by who exactly is the protagonist of the Dictionary. At first I was sure it was a fellow named “aardvark,” but then as I continued to read, I noticed “aardvark” was never mentioned again, but now I was hearing about new characters like “airplane,” and “apple.” Eventually I landed upon a character whose name was “astrology.” What does Webster think he’s playing at?
      Aside from the characters, I was very confused by the marking of chapters. Instead of numbering chapters, Webster lettered them (the first chapter was A, the second B, and so on). I was surprised that such a highly-regarded “reference guide” would use such a cheap and tacky method of trying to do something outside the “norm,” in order to get people to buy their book.
      When one finds themselves analyzing the symbols and themes in Webster’s Dictionary, they will not be disappointed. Upon halfway through the book, I realized every word in bold was followed by a definition of that word (undoubtedly this is one of the hidden themes that Webster tried to mask). This theme symbolizes that life is like a book, and that it can be defined by many different things. Readers may also realize that when putting together words from the Dictionary together, we too may form our own sentences, and maybe even our own paragraphs. In fact, you may be surprised to hear this, but every single word I have just written is in Webster’s Dictionary. Criticisms aside, this is an impressive feat to accomplish.

If You Don’t Read This Blog, We'll Kill This Dog

If You Don’t Read This Blog, We’ll Kill This Dog

 

An early 70’s National Lampoon magazine displayed the title "If You Don't Buy This Magazine, We'll Kill This Dog."  While some thought of it as merely an amusing ploy which would inevitably gain attention of passersby, others realized the truth behind it.  No, I do not mean that if you do not buy that exact magazine, they will in fact shoot Spot, the adorable dog on the cover.  The real truth is that National Lampoon’s clever title served to mercilessly mock the media’s attempts of scaring people into reading/watching their news.  Allow me to explain.

Media loves to scare people, to threaten people into watching their news program or buy their magazine.  This is why most headline stories on the news tend to lean towards the message that if you don’t watch, you will be in mortal peril.  We hear these threatening statements all the time, statements such as: “and after a commercial break, we will explain all about those silent killers that are lingering in your house right now.”  Or maybe something along the lines of “and in five we’ll explain more on the poison that is in the food that you just gave your children and are also now eating right now.”

I think I’ll wrap up this blog post simply with three words: “Kudos National Lampoon.” 

Self-Help Books: Don't Be Afraid Of Them

Self-Help Books: Don't Be Afraid Of Them

By: Sarah Schrupp

S

                              Except this self-help book. You can be afraid of this self-help book.

 

           The scene is all too familiar: a woman standing in the middle of Wal-Mart. She whips her head around both ways to make sure no one is looking. Someone walks by, so she quickly turns to the shelf behind her, pretending to be checking out the latest line in hair care products. The intruder is gone now, so she flips around again to examine the shelf. She finds what she’s looking for, shoves it in the cart, and walks away, blood rushing to her face. Let’s be honest: most of us have gone through it. I’m talking about having to buy something that you are just plain embarrassed to buy. Whether you’re a dad buying Midol and feminine pads for your daughter, a man in your thirties buying Twilight (it should be noted that anyone who buys a book about a sparkly Cedric Diggory should feel a certain amount of guilt), or a middle-aged woman buying a Snuggie for your cat, there is a certain amount of dread that comes with going into that check-out line and risking the fear of being judged. And then you turn your head about twenty degrees and notice your savior: self-check outs. You have won! . . .at least at Wal-mart. But what about Barnes & Noble?
           At Barnes & Noble there is no self-checkout. Now one might ask “Why would anyone be embarrassed about purchasing a book?” Apparently you, my silly friend, have not been to the self-help section at B&N. In said section, book titles range from “So You Have Herpes: Now What?” to “How To Tell Your Gay Boyfriend That You Met A Guy Named Brian At That Queen Tribute Concert And You May Or May Not Be Moving In With Him Into His Flat Next Week,” all of them as specific as they are embarrassing. Who wants to go through the check-out with that in your hand? Well, I am here to tell you, don’t be afraid to still visit this section, for among all the garbage there are some very useful books there.
           Yeah, yeah I can hear you all whining now, “but we don’t want to be made fun of for purchasing self-help books! Help us, oh great one!” Well here are a few solutions to your problem. Solution number one: bring a stack of post-it notes to the bookstore. After you find the self-help book of your choice, cover said book with the post-it notes (therefore blocking the title of the book), leaving the bar code open for swiping. When the salesclerk questions you about all the post-it notes, ask him why his mother made him so ugly. This should quiet him. If for some reason you find this solution to be “rude and very bizarre,” then go with my next solution: suck it up and buy self-help books anyway. There’s a reason self-help books have grown 7% a year since 2001. It’s because they can make us better human beings. They have self-help books out there to help with almost any problem you can think of, so why not use these resources?
           Business men and women read self-help books to learn how to make more money, manage their time and staff more efficiently, and to improve on their Donald Trump impression of “you’re fired,” (it’s a great party trick for the corporate Christmas party). Men and women that suffer from depression and social anxiety disorders read self-help books to understand more about their condition. Oprah writes self-help books in case people haven’t had enough Oprah from her magazines, television show, television channel, appearances in movies, website, and radio.
           In conclusion, if you have been in a bookstore and walked right past the self-help section, now is your time to revisit this aisle. Just think of self-help books as inexpensive magic genies that are here to help you solve your problems. Now is the time to metaphorically rub your magic lamp and have your life transformed.*



* I recently purchased and read a self-help book entitled “How To Use Magic Genie Metaphors In Order To Make Your Point Clearly and Concisely.” You tell me if it worked.

Pseudonyms

Pseudonyms
By: Sarah Schrupp

                What do the Brontë sisters, erotica novelists, and J.K. Rowling all have in common?  Pen names.  The Brontë sisters, Charlotte, Emily, and Anne wrote under the names Currer, Ellis, and Acton Bell.  (If the Brontës were trying to convince people they were men, couldn’t they have picked something a bit more masculine?  Perhaps something with a little zing, like Destroyer, Decipticon, and Optimus Prime?)  Erotica novelists write under different names to ensure they still have jobs, friends, and at least a little bit of dignity left, after publishing their novels.  I cannot be certain what types of pseudonyms erotica novelists use (as I have never read one of these books), but I am guessing a name like Semour Butts would look splendid on the book cover, right below a half naked Fabio.  Then there’s J.K. Rowling.  Rowling didn’t exactly change her name, but rather used initials, since most authors who write fantasy books tend to be men.  Using initials is not uncommon for women who are fantasy authors.     

                There are many advantages for using a pen name.  For the Brontë sisters, it was imperative that they used pseudonyms, as women authors were not exactly praised during their era.  In fact, most men at the time were under the belief that writing was inappropriate for women.  For erotica novelists, pen names are also imperative. After all, they have a hard enough time in life as it is.  I mean for goodness sake. . . they’re erotica novelists.  These are the type of people that probably still live at home, get tucked into their Batman sheets at night by their mothers, and go to the local arcade to challenge thirteen year olds at a game of Guitar Hero.  But I digress.  It is difficult to say whether or not J.K. Rowling’s choice in name had any influence on book sales.  Most Harry Potter fans would probably agree that either way, Rowling would still be a billionaire. 

                While the advantages of using a pen name are numerous, so are the disadvantages.  For instance, imagine that you are a forty-five year old single, bald man, and you have just written an award winning fiction book.  Alas!  You can finally get the attention of that smokin’ hot blonde neighbor of yours. . . but then you realize: you have written under a pen name!  There is no way Stacy would believe that you with all your cats and baldness could have written such a masterpiece.  What a shame.  My point is, there is a certain amount of recognition that comes with writing a book.  Although authors aren’t nearly as well known as other celebrities, there are still people that will recognize you.   It is undoubtedly very rewarding to have someone see your name (whether checking you out at the library or swiping your credit card) and ask if you’re “the author of that book.”